Dearest Lost Love,

I felt as though I owed you a great special surprise for your birthday this year. I had started planning a while ago. I was making a list of the things you loved: knives, machetes, climbing gear and mail. I’ll never understand why you loved receiving mail so much, but it always made you so happy to open it even if it was just a bill.

It would’ve been a grand bouquet of sharp things wrapped in rope with a bottle of scotch on the side. There would have been our first adventure book that I had begun to put together with our first travel memories from Costa Rica. I was hoping to add to that book as the years passed by. I was hoping to get all of your loved ones to mail you letters and cards all at once. I was planning on making a private Facebook page called: Surprise letters for (I can’t even say your name without pain now). It doesn’t really matter anymore.

It was such a splendid idea. Two weeks before your special day, I would’ve told everyone to write to you so all the mail would arrive all at the same time. The mailbox would’ve been overflowing with love from your friends and family who you love so dearly. You always wanted me to include them in our lives. They would’ve wrote to you about the memories and fun times you had shared. They would’ve wrote the things they loved about you. I still grin at my master plan. The look on your face would’ve been priceless.

But alas, my plans have been shattered by the cold space between us. I had lost you some time ago but had held on for dear life. When I realized you did not feel for me the way I felt for you, I wasn’t sure which direction to go. Maybe I shouldn’t have said anything at all. Maybe if I’d stayed complacent you would still be holding me in your arms. Maybe that feeling of emptiness would’ve passed.

When you walked away from me that day I thought I was in a bad dream. But as the nightmare unfolded, my heart crumpled within my chest and I realized it was all too real. Now as I sit here writing out my master plan I know it will never happen. 

Maybe I would’ve made you fall in love with me. 

For it was I who asked what it was you truly wanted. For when that moment arrived and you paused and did not know what to say, I knew you did not want to fall in love with me. There will be no letters. There will be no special gifts from my heart. For I don’t feel my heart anymore.

So now I’m moving on, Monday. Now I have to say goodbye to a lost love I don’t even know anymore. Maybe you never truly loved me at all. Maybe one day you will read this, or maybe you won’t. Maybe this letter is not the one you were hoping for. I don’t know because I have lost you…

My dearest lost love xo