Traveling: Will It Make or Break You?

~Relationships are funny. You gain some and you lose some. Lessons are learned and hearts are broken. Travelling is a huge test when it comes to relationships and putting the two together can be either a wonderful practice or a deadly concoction.

If you have read my blog recently you may have noticed that I am going through a very painful break-up which makes it incredibly hard to write about the trip I just experienced with my ex two months ago. It really is true what they say: Traveling will make or break you.

Learning about someone in a relationship is exciting at times, but when you realize something is not quite right in that person’s actions towards you, it can be hard to understand where that person is coming from. This is exactly what happened to me. All I can say is that a distance grew between us and I don’t really understand why. Distractions caused me to feel invisible and ignored. Once we had returned from our trip the distance grew so strong that we ended up further apart than ever.

So I guess traveling broke us.

In any case, I find this to be true in friendships as well. Maybe it’s because there are shades of colors you can never see in a person unless you travel far away from home. Maybe it’s because traveling changes you. Whatever the reason may be, I believe it’s a blessing in disguise. Everything happens for a reason.

Going outside of your comfort zone can be a challenging decision. Stepping outside that zone with another person; well that’s a whole other story.

I lost a very special friendship while I was traveling through South East Asia. I had planned to meet up with an old friend in Thailand who I had known for years. I jumped on a plane and flew from Singapore to meet him. Once I arrived in Bangkok, we met up and had some fun in the city before venturing out to an Island called Ko Samet. My birthday was right around the corner and I was excited to celebrate.

But something happened during that trip that I will never understand. Everything seemed fine when we arrived but after a night of drinking and words, our friendship went sideways. Again, a distance suddenly grew between us and I started to notice a strong wall being built up inside my friend.

That evening I celebrated my birthday without him and danced around with some locals instead. If you’re interested in the details of how that night you can read my post: Stories of a Solo TravelerIn the end, the trip was a bit of a disaster. We left the island without speaking a word to one another and I sat on the bus back to Bangkok all by myself. I felt horrible.

Once arriving back in Bangkok I confronted my ex-friend about his actions towards me. He left me at the bus station that day and three days later he boarded a plane and flew back to Canada. I haven’t spoken to him in almost ten years now. Travelling seemed to have broken him and our friendship.

And that’s how fast it can happen.

Maybe it was something I said. It could have been something he felt and I didn’t. In my current situation, it was clearly something I felt and he did not. Now we are just strangers with a bunch of pictures of us from another country. Memories that were supposed to be happy but now just cause pain.

In both cases, I have felt totally abandoned by people who I thought cared about me.

I’m not going to lie, it hurts… a lot! But you can’t stop the changes that happen to someone else when you travel. Going somewhere else in the world is a life-changing experience. People’s true colors shine through and the universe either brings you together or it tears you apart.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve also had some amazingly happy trips with other people in my life. My best girlfriend and I have traveled down to Mexico a few times and everything turned out great for us. It all depends on the people, the timing and the situations you put yourselves into.

You can’t stop change. You can’t force change.

stranded-918933

It is true what they say: Traveling will make or break you.

Luckily, I know how to put myself back together 🙂

 

Letter to a Lost Love xo Moving on Monday

Dearest Lost Love,

I felt as though I owed you a great special surprise for your birthday this year. I had started planning a while ago. I was making a list of the things you loved: knives, machetes, climbing gear and mail. I’ll never understand why you loved receiving mail so much, but it always made you so happy to open it even if it was just a bill.

It would’ve been a grand bouquet of sharp things wrapped in rope with a bottle of scotch on the side. There would have been our first adventure book that I had begun to put together with our first travel memories from Costa Rica. I was hoping to add to that book as the years passed by. I was hoping to get all of your loved ones to mail you letters and cards all at once. I was planning on making a private Facebook page called: Surprise letters for (I can’t even say your name without pain now). It doesn’t really matter anymore.

It was such a splendid idea. Two weeks before your special day, I would’ve told everyone to write to you so all the mail would arrive all at the same time. The mailbox would’ve been overflowing with love from your friends and family who you love so dearly. You always wanted me to include them in our lives. They would’ve wrote to you about the memories and fun times you had shared. They would’ve wrote the things they loved about you. I still grin at my master plan. The look on your face would’ve been priceless.

But alas, my plans have been shattered by the cold space between us. I had lost you some time ago but had held on for dear life. When I realized you did not feel for me the way I felt for you, I wasn’t sure which direction to go. Maybe I shouldn’t have said anything at all. Maybe if I’d stayed complacent you would still be holding me in your arms. Maybe that feeling of emptiness would’ve passed.

When you walked away from me that day I thought I was in a bad dream. But as the nightmare unfolded, my heart crumpled within my chest and I realized it was all too real. Now as I sit here writing out my master plan I know it will never happen. 

Maybe I would’ve made you fall in love with me. 

For it was I who asked what it was you truly wanted. For when that moment arrived and you paused and did not know what to say, I knew you did not want to fall in love with me. There will be no letters. There will be no special gifts from my heart. For I don’t feel my heart anymore.

So now I’m moving on, Monday. Now I have to say goodbye to a lost love I don’t even know anymore. Maybe you never truly loved me at all. Maybe one day you will read this, or maybe you won’t. Maybe this letter is not the one you were hoping for. I don’t know because I have lost you…

My dearest lost love xo

Friday Photo *Fallen* – Never Forget xo

10852757_556511317855488_942325990_n

I have fallen…

I’ll never forget the times we shared

A love so painful I could not compare

I let myself love you so deeply and true

Down in my heart, I always knew

You could not love or feel how I felt

But when you stopped to actually see me, I would completely melt

For all I ever wanted was you

Now the memories are so heartbreaking, I shouldn’t have let myself fall so hard for you

Now our sun is setting into the sea

Oh how I wanted you to fall in love with little ol me…

A sad goodbye xo

When the world is upside down

raindrop-76830_640~A loved one dies and tears are shed

~Hearts are breaking. We burry our heads

~Under the blankets we cannot escape

~The pain that grips us. It’s our unfortunate fate

~For one day we will all leave this earth

~One by one our souls rebirthed

~Into a place only the departed know

~I just want to know where all of us go

~But for that to happen I would have to end

~A death approaching I cannot pretend

~There’s no forever although we might wish

~Instead we’re forced to live out the anguish

~As we watch our friends and family pass

~A mirror broken. Shards of glass

~They cut so deep that the wound never quite heals

~The sorrow. The sadness. It is painfully real

~When your world turns upside down for a time

~Just remember their spirit will always shine

~Through us, our memories of a love so true

~I’m sure our loved ones will watch over us too

~We cannot just disappear. I won’t believe that

~No, Everything does not just go black

~There must be a place we can rejoin them some day

~A place where our souls can finally stay

~A place of peace and wonder and joy and love

~Call it heaven if you will. Call it the playground above

~For it doesn’t matter what each of us believe

~As long as we keep wearing our loved ones hearts on our sleeve

all-you-need-is-love-194916_1280

Sad Monday Morning… not good :(

Today I woke up to the sound of asphalt being crushed around outside my balcony. The blue fences are going up, the construction guys are shaking hands and the trucks are hauling in materials. What a site to see. 😦

Not something you want to wake up to on Monday morning…

For 7 years I’ve lived in this apartment overlooking the beautiful Olympic Mountains that stand so tall across the ocean. The cars going by are almost a whisper and the quiet little neighborhood I live in is usually very peaceful. But not today.

Today I find out that a 5 story building will be constructed right outside my backdoor. Today my quiet little neighborhood turns into a mad crazy place full of unwanted noise and a shattered dream. My dream to gaze over to those mountains for another year or two. The view of those mountains will soon be gone and the only thing to look at will someones ridiculously expensive condo.

It is a sad day indeed. My sanctuary will be void in the days to come.

I think it may be time to move 😦 10252040_10154912413135444_2426542989468821959_n

My tiny tribute to one of the greats! RIP Robin Williams xo

rw~Robin Williams will forever be one of my favorite actors and probably one the greatest actors who ever lived.~

Some people seem upset that his death is getting so much coverage. This always seems to happen when a celebrity passes. But why? How come there is such an uproar? How can you compare the destruction of an entire planet to one persons death? How could anyone say that he went out like a coward?

Well if that’s your perspective on this horrible event… than you should probably drive your head into some dirt like this giraffe here…giraffe head in sand

and wait until the dust settles. Because all of the deep love, devotion and grieving by his many beloved followers and fans is well deserved.

So what, you want people to stop talking about Robin Williams and continue talking about the civil war in Syria or the horrible chemical blanket that is about to consume us all? Then what? What are you going to do to stop these things from happening? How many of those people complaining just sit back and watch everything go to hell without EVER doing anything about it? Where does YOUR imprint on the world lie??

Well, Robin Williams imprint on the world is this: he dedicated his life to making other people happy. He struggled in silence and yet, continued to help others laugh and forget about all the bad in the world… even if it was for a brief moment in time. Because that’s all life is. It’s what we make of it. It saddens me to see that another great mind has been taken by mental illness. It scares me to think that such a genius… such a brilliant person was consumed by despair as so many others are. Where did everything go so wrong?

How can so many people suffer all at once and then disregard someone who was so incredibly amazing? To those people… I say shame on you.

I will always remember Robin Williams for his greatness. His intensity. His strength. imagesUTWVGETC

As time fades away the only beauty that comes from death is our memories of the departed. Robin Williams’ beautiful soul will live on in our hearts forever. I will be forever grateful that I grew up watching all of his movies and that I developed a love for him even though he never knew who I was. As someone who suffers from anxiety and depression myself, I commend Robin Williams for persevering as long as he did. I can’t even begin to imagine how hard it must be to suffer so much and also be in the public eye. To be a superstar in pain. That feeling must be awful.

So here’s to you Mr. Robin Williams. May you suffer no more. And may you rest in peace… because YOU made the world a better place. ❤ I’ll always love you.robin williams 2

A legacy left behind. Robin McLaurin Williams (July 21, 1951 – August 11, 2014)

I leave you with a few quotes from some of my favorite movies in memory of a great man:

What dreams may come (1998): That’s when I realized I’m part of the problem. Not because I remind you. But because I couldn’t join you. So I left you alone. Don’t give up, okay?

Sometimes, when you win, you lose. images0AFNIYRX

 

 

 Mrs. Doubtfire (1993): Daniel: Did you ever wish you could sometimes freeze frame a moment in your day, look at it and say “this is not my life”?

Mrs. Doubtfire: [reading a letter] “Dear Mrs. Doubtfire, two months ago, my mom and dad decided to separate. Now they live in different houses. My brother Andrew says that we aren’t to be a family anymore. Is this true? Did I lose my family? Is there anything I can do to get my parents back together? Sincerely, Katie McCormick.” Oh, my dear Katie. You know, some parents, when they’re angry, they get along much better when they don’t live together. They don’t fight all the time, and they can become better people, and much better mummies and daddies for you. And sometimes they get back together. And sometimes they don’t, dear. And if they don’t, don’t blame yourself. Just because they don’t love each other anymore, doesn’t mean that they don’t love you. There are all sorts of different families, Katie. Some families have one mommy, some families have one daddy, or two families. And some children live with their uncle or aunt. Some live with their grandparents, and some children live with foster parents. And some live in separate homes, in separate neighborhoods, in different areas of the country – and they may not see each other for days, or weeks, months… even years at a time. But if there’s love, dear… those are the ties that bind, and you’ll have a family in your heart, forever. All my love to you, poppet, you’re going to be all right… bye-bye. robin-williams-mrs-doubtfire

Aladdin: Genie, I wish for your freedom.

Genie: One bona fide prince pedigree coming up. I. What?

Aladdin: [He holds the lamp up to Genie] Genie, you’re free!

imagesSAJZXBD9robin williams